Sunday 20th June is Father’s Day in the UK. This is the day we celebrate and spoil all the father figures in our lives, whether that’s the biological dads, stepdads or even granddads. On this day, which hopefully will be a lovely sunny day, we traditionally treat our dads to a card, maybe a silly gift or even a trip out for a pub meal. But for many of us Father’s Day will be a day of sadness and regret, because dad is no longer with us. We can’t take him to the pub and tell him we love him nor cherish the look on his face as he opens his card. And whether your dad has passed away, or he just isn’t in your life anymore, or you never knew him, it can be a struggle learning how to cope without dad on Father’s Day.
THE FIRST FATHER’S DAY WITHOUT HIM
When a parent passes away the milestones of the first year – his birthday and yes, Fathers’ Day – are doubly hard to deal with. The empty chair, the phone call which never comes, the reminiscences never again shared, these are all painful reminders that the world is now a different place.
It may be hard if you need to learn how to cope without dad on Father’s Day this year, because this includes learning to cope with your grief. Even if your dad hasn’t died but you have no contact with him this can still be a source of grief which surfaces on every Father’s Day. It can trigger emotions such as anger or anxiety. In any scenario you may experience a lack of motivation or desire to do anything, or you may find yourself consumed by thoughts of the father who is not with you. All this is normal, and you must find a way to make sense of your loss. If you need help to cope with your grief you can find lots of useful help and information from Cruse.
TALK TO HIM
Some believe in the afterlife and find it comforting while others do not. Even if you are sceptical about these things it doesn’t mean you can’t send an emotional message to your dad. Light a candle, raise a glass or go for a walk along your dad’s favourite route and as you do just say – out loud or silently – happy Father’s Day dad, wherever you are. Then tell him how much you miss him or how angry you feel that he’s not there, or just tell him about your day. It may help. If you can’t bring yourself to do this why not try to find interesting poems or quotes from people who have gone through the same loss you’re going through now.
DO FATHER’S DAY DIFFERENTLY
Many families have Father’s Day traditions where they do the same things in the same way every year but dad’s loss can create a vortex of uncertainty, wondering whether to ignore the day altogether. Learning how to cope without dad on Father’s Day doesn’t mean you have to let the day pass unacknowledged or un-celebrated. Do something different either as a family or with friends or by yourself to honour the memory of your dad.
Of course, there is no rule which says you have to do anything at all nor talk to anyone if you don’t wish to. Don’t feel obliged to Zoom or Skype friends or family and especially don’t feel you have to be responsible for cheering others up. It’s perfectly fine to lock the door, draw the blinds, take the phone off the hook and just sit quietly contemplating old photos and memories all by yourself if that’s what you want. Be kind to yourself.
GET OUT INTO NATURE
As so many of us have discovered during the Covid-19 pandemic the great outdoors has an enormous ability to heal. Being in a green space surrounded by nothing but birdsong and the rustling of the trees can help clear the head and focus the senses. If you have a garden or a community garden why not plant a tree, shrub or rose bush as a lasting tribute to your father. If not, why not buy a houseplant you can tend to.
INCLUDE OTHERS
Father’s Day itself is a personal sort of day for those grieving the loss of a father. Some can sail through the day then carry on as normal afterwards. Others need to properly mark the day in some sort of formal manner but then find it difficult to get past it. It may help in both cases to consider how Father’s Day affects your siblings and whether they are coping without dad. Your children too, along with a surviving parent, may be lost in their own grief and confusion of how to cope without dad on Father’s Day. Children especially could be bottling up their feelings and may be unsure how to cope with yours.
Make a date with family or friends to get together at some point after Father’s Day so that you can all remember dad together. Take on board any ideas that others may have for making new Father’s Day traditions or new ways of commemorating dad’s memory. Don’t be tempted to brush away any suggestions out of hand and inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. Remember that they may be grieving too.
DON’T FEEL OBLIGED TO WALLOW IN GRIEF
As each Father’s Day passes you may well be finding it easier to cope without dad on Father’s Day and will find sharing happy memories of him much easier. This is normal. Don’t feel guilty about this and don’t feel obligated to meet someone else’s idea on how you should be feeling.
When you take the time and effort to learn how to cope without dad on Father’s Day rather than avoiding the day and hoping it will go away you will actually find that over time you will begin to feel stronger and more able to handle your feelings.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash