Mother’s Day can be a painful time of year for many. This year, more people than ever are likely to have mixed feelings about the day, especially where coronavirus and separation from our loved ones comes in to play. But there are other reasons why people are not looking forward to the idea of Mother’s Day too. Whether you’re facing Mother’s day for the first time since the loss of your mum, or even long after she has passed away, or you don’t have the best relationship with your mum, Mother’s Day may feel more of a day to get through, rather than a celebration. Here at JML, we’re aware that many people struggle at times like this, particularly when the past year has taken its toll on many people’s mental health, adults and children alike. While we can’t take your pain away and allow the family gatherings that may help for some, we can offer some suggestions that may help you cope without your Mum on Mother’s Day the best way you can.
HOW TO COPE WITHOUT YOUR MUM ON MOTHER’S DAY
1) EMBRACE YOUR FEELINGS
Whether it’s grief, anger or regret, time may not immediately heal or lessen your feelings. This means it’s important to allow yourself time to acknowledge them. It is important to recognise and accept your feelings and how they affect you. Learn coping strategies that will help you to work through those feelings, rather than avoiding them. This could help you to feel stronger and more able to cope without your Mum on Mother’s Day.
2) WRITE YOUR FEELINGS DOWN
Whether you opt for paper or computer, journaling your feelings can help. No one will see what you write, so it doesn’t even need to make sense. For every word or sentence you write you could bring some tangible understanding to how you feel. This can really help you make sense of your feelings. You may even find that it leads you to understand what you need to make yourself feel better.
3) TURN OFF MOTHER’S DAY TARGETED EMAILS AND MARKETING
Many companies, including us, offer this option. Turning off when you can will allow you to reduce the number of times you receive painful reminders. If you don’t want to (or aren’t given the option to), try and stay away from those e-mails on the day or delete them when they arrive.
4) REACH OUT
You may not want to talk about it, but there is often truth to ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. Friends can be a valuable source of support, but they need to know you are struggling, so reach out and tell them. You may not be able to meet up, but you can still telephone, video call or chat on social media. If you don’t feel you can reach out to friends or family, why not consider joining a supportive social media group or speak with specialist counsellors who understand loss and feelings of grief and can be a support.
THINGS TO DO TO MANAGE BETTER WITHOUT MUM
1) IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH OR SMILE
You may find this hard, but do not feel guilty for living your life. No matter what the reason you can no longer be with your mum as you would wish, look for the good times you shared. Don’t be afraid to remember the good times or the funny bits as well as feeling sad.
2) FORGIVE
If you have a difficult relationship or your mum is no longer around, recognise that you may have had tough times, as may she. Forgiving her and yourself will leave you feeling lighter and in a better place to move forward. You may wish for things to have been different and it is too late to change that, but it’s often a good idea to let go of the past and do your best to make a brighter future.
3) TRADITIONS OLD AND NEW
Carry on with some traditions if you wish, enjoying a favourite food that your mum loved, or watching a favourite TV program you shared. It may not be possible to recreate a tradition in exactly the same way if your mum has passed or you usually visit somewhere now closed, but an at-home replication of your tradition can be a great tribute to your mum.
Now may be a good time to start a new tradition, too. Maybe your mum has been the focus of previous Mother’s Days and now you are the maternal figurehead of the family. You could opt to embrace that and create a Mother’s Day tradition that fits you and your life; perhaps a family walk, a board game night, or a meal that you enjoy.
4) RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
One way to feel good is by doing good. If you are struggling to find happiness in the day, why not dedicate your day to helping others to find happiness? Whether you bake a cake for a neighbour, pamper someone with a pedicure, or even buy a gift for another woman you respect and admire as a mother, their joy and appreciation could really help the day a little brighter.
5) CELEBRATE
If it makes you happy, then celebrate Mother’s Day and give a warm tribute to your mum. If you’ve lost your mum, why not write her a Mother’s Day card, light a candle, buy flowers and remember her. Whether you choose to visit your mum’s final resting place or do it at home to mark the day in your way, again you should feel comfortable in your choice.
If you don’t want to celebrate your own mum, then why not opt to celebrate with other mothers you know, or your own children? You could opt for a Zoom afternoon tea, a socially distant walk, or a simple coffee in the park. Spending time with friends may allow you to get through the day a little easier.
Whatever your feelings about Mother’s Day, and whatever the reasons; if these tips aren’t helping don’t struggle alone. If you feel you’re not coping, reaching out to others could help you find comfort, advice and support you need for what is sometimes a difficult day.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash